I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I have aggressive nipples.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
