You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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