Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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