So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
