Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
