does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
