a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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