I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
