1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
