She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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