We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
