i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
