everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
