That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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