So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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