a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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