I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
