He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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