Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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