My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
