I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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