no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
