I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
