i already hear my dad disowning me
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
