if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
