the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
