woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
