apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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