woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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