On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
