you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
