You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
