I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
