Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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