do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
