I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
