you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
