Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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