before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
