I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So apparently I’m into choking now
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