Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
did i just pee glitter
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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