My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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