I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
