seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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