There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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