he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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