is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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