my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
