C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
