Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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