It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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