So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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