Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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