your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
What a dumb baby whore.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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