and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
