I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize