I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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